It Started Out With A Kiss
by Narcissa Raie
Summary: A little denial can go a long way.
1. An Elephant Died For That, You Know

**Disclaimer**: Really? Is this necessary? Of course Harry Potter doesn't belong to me, and why would someone pay me for this? That would be ridiculous. Nice, as I am broke, but absolutely mad.

**A/N**: So, Remus/Sirius is kind of my new favorite thing. (Except Brittana, but we're not talking about Glee right now, are we? And if we were, I'd inform you of all the ways they are perfect, but no one here wants that.) I've only written one fic for them, and it was a little oneshot borderline crack!fic. While that was fun and everything, I thought I'd write something chaptered and a bit more Sirius (insert crickets chirping- no one likes a bad pun). Well, as serious as one can be about a fanfiction categorized as humor. Moving right along. I feel like I should point out that this is, in fact, SLASH. This should be rather obvious, as it is also categorized as romance. I believe you all to be intelligent specimens of human who can work this out all on your own, but perhaps a little warning is due before I get flamed by bigots.

* * *

Remus Lupin liked having secrets- they were familiar to him, having kept a very large one for as long as he could vividly remember. The Marauders had no secrets, but Remus needed to have at least one to maintain his sanity. And, after the afternoon he'd had, it was time to hide out on the Astronomy Tower and indulge in his one last secret. He clung to the cigarette in his left hand like his life depended on it, keeping the smoke in his lungs far longer than was necessary. It was a revolting habit, and he was well aware of it, but sometime he felt like it was all he really had.

People would never have realized it, but the Astronomy Tower in the middle of the day was the best place to hide away and indulge in whatever secret one held dear. No one would ask questions about a student in the halls at 4 o'clock in the afternoon, and the Astronomy Tower was always deserted at this time of day. Remus could never understand why his peers never really took advantage of it; classes in that particular tower were only held at night, so Professor Sinistra, the astronomy teacher, was never around. He chuckled (followed immediately by a coughing fit) at the thought of all of the lustful couples that would sneak up there to snog (and Merlin only knows what else) in the middle of the night. How they could not realize the stupidity of their plans was beyond him- there was a class there every single night- of course they were going to get caught! Idiots.

He didn't find himself to be particularly clever (although he was), but he couldn't stop himself from being surprised by, and embarrassed for, his peers and their lack of observatory skills. Especially the Hufflepuffs, who were usually repeat offenders.

Sirius Black, on the other hand, could not keep a secret if his life depended on it. He would at least confide in his closest friends about the really personal ones. After being raised in a family that thrived on privacy and secret keeping, he never wanted to hide anything ever again. He kept nothing to himself and seemed to lack a filter when he spoke, assisting him in eventually acquiring more enemies than friends. Unlike many other 16 year olds, this did not bother him in the slightest. He vowed to never hide anything again, and he never regretted this decision.

So, the fact that Sirius Black insisted on a Very Important Secret being kept was particularly baffling to one Remus Lupin on a specific, life changing, fall afternoon.

* * *

It all began roughly four and a half hours previously. Remus was sitting at a little table in the back of the common room, parchment and books spread about. He didn't _usually_ spend his Saturdays studying (despite Sirius' and James' frequent accusations), but he'd been having more trouble than his typical amount- which was saying quite a bit- with Potions. He needed the extra review time if he had any chance of not falling behind.

Naturally, Sirius Black was having none of this. He plopped down on a chair next to his friend, nearly knocking over the other boy's inkbottle. Remus caught it before it could ruin his meticulous notes (although they weren't very helpful. He was hoping for the best, but it was looking more and more like he'd have to re-write them with every passing moment). He sighed in relief and turned to glare at his best mate. "What do you need, Sirius?" he growled out. He was never one to lose his temper, but Potions did not bode well on his social skills.

"Let's go flying," his friend replied, grinning and undeterred.

"I'm a bit busy right now," he said, gesturing towards the table stacked with study materials. "Why don't you ask James? I don't like flying, anyway."

"James is off with Lilyflower," Sirius whined.

Remus sighed wearily, knowing there was no hope of him actually winning this battle. "How about Peter?" he offered.

"Peter is dull."

"Be nice. Besides, I really am rather busy. Later, I promise." Remus turned back to his textbook. If Sirius hit him with the puppy-dog eyes, he wouldn't have a chance.

Sirius stood and stomped his foot, arms crossed over his chest and a petulant look on his face. "But Moooooony, I want to go nooooowwww," he whined again. He was doing that thing in which he gave a monosyllabic word six more syllables. Remus was amused, but the high pitch bothered his acute post-moon hearing and he was more irritated than swayed to accompany the other boy.

"You may just be the tallest six-year-old I've ever seen," Remus said, smirking.

"_You're_ six," Sirius replied (with great wit, as per usual), sticking his tongue out.

"Your maturity knows no bounds." Remus had yet to look up from his Potions textbook. He had that look of extreme concentration on his face; he knitted his eyebrows and bit his bottom lip hard enough that it would probably leave a small purple bruise- the one he wore every time he studied something he really was having trouble grasping. Getting his attention was already infuriating and impossible, and the look implied that it would only become more difficult. Sirius decided it best to take his leave now, in the least juvenile, and most sensible, way he knew how.

"Yeah, well… sod off!"

"Goodbye, Padfoot," Remus sighed, waving vaguely in the retreating boy's direction.

Remus was hardly surprised when Sirius returned 45 minutes later.

"How about chess, Moony? You love chess. It will be fun, and you can continue being brilliant and working that giant brain of yours. Please please please please _please_," Sirius badgered, poking Remus in arm repeatedly.

"Fine!" the other boy replied, slamming his book shut. "But we're going upstairs. I'd like to pack up my books, and we'll just be bothering everyone down here who are trying to get some work done. You're not exactly quiet when it comes to anything competitive, Pads."

Sirius agreed, begrudgingly admitting Remus was right but too happy about getting his way to properly care, and followed him up the stairs to their dormitory. He watched the golden-haired teenager neatly put his books in a beaten up rucksack and parked himself on his bed, pulling out his ivory chessboard.

"An elephant died for that, you know. We are playing chess with blood on our hands," Remus said, eyeing the board. The statement was less of a scolding; more of an observation.

"Must you ruin all things fun?" Sirius responded, arranging the pieces on his end of the board.

Remus shrugged, setting up his own pieces.

The game went on predictably. They had played so many times most of their moves were the same and, as per usual, Remus won. Like every other game they played in the past, Sirius accused him of cheating and they got into a good-natured scuffle, the chessboard sliding off of the bed. Remus may have been more reserved than his companions, but he was still a teenaged boy and every so often gave into the siren call of the teenaged-boy-mock-fight.

The two boys collapsed in a heap on Sirius' bed. Remus was suddenly very aware of his senses- particularly each bit of his skin touching the tanned, muscular form of his friend. He swallowed and forced himself to brush it off and focus on the crimson hangings.

"Did you mean what you said before?" he whispered.

"What? That you cheated? Damn right I did, and I will catch you one day, you scheming bastard," Sirius replied with a grin.

"No, not that. When you said that I wasn't any fun?"

Sirius' head turned abruptly, his dark hair fanning out behind him. "Of course not."

"You're sure I'm not… boring?"

"Why would you even think that?" Sirius asked.

"Well, I'm _not_ as fun as you or James. I'm always stopping you from your pranks, I'm not particularly interesting, and-"

"Moony, look at me." When Remus continued to stare blankly upwards, Sirius grabbed his chin and turned it in his direction. Their noses were nearly touching, only a few millimeters apart. "You are _not_ boring. You're funny, and brilliant, and you always have the _best_ ideas for perfecting our more genius pranks, and you're the kindest bloke- no, _person_- I know, and you listen instead of waiting for your turn to speak, and you're the right amount of quiet, mostly because if you weren't Prongs and I wouldn't have a chance with birds because you're so bloody charming and gorgeous and…" Then, Sirius did the unthinkable. He leaned in that extra few millimeters and kissed his best mate. He felt Remus stiffen with shock- he immediately pulled back and jumped off of the bed, eyes comically wide. The lycanthrope would have laughed if it had been a different situation. "I just- I didn't- don't tell anyone." And with that, he ran from the room.

Remus stood slowly and made his way towards the astronomy tower, grabbing his rucksack and the Marauder's Map on his way out the door.

* * *

The werewolf pulled himself out of his seated position, his knees cracking as his legs straightened out. He'd been sitting for too long; idle, cowardly, and very un-Gryffindor. It was time he made this right- no need to break up the Marauders over his best friend's obvious momentary lapse in judgment. Also, he needed to find Lily and have a small mental breakdown. But first the damage control bit.

He stubbed out his third cigarette of the afternoon on the wall behind him and pulled the Marauder's Map out of his robes. He always stashed it there, deciding it was best to keep it close to his person, especially after The Accident in Fifth Year in which James nearly lost it forever. The Map had fallen out of his bag- the panic-filled search lasted a solid hour and a half, until Peter miraculously found it peeking out of the rubbish bin in the Charms classroom. There was yet another scuffle between James and Sirius (why can't teenage boys just have a civilized conversation?), but _that_ didn't end in a searing kiss. He was thrown out of his reverie and re-focused on the task at hand.

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good," the Map unfurled itself and he searched the parchment for a sign of Sirius, spotting him pacing the hallway in front of the portrait of the Fat Lady. Why he chose to a place so conspicuous, Remus could not imagine. But he chose not to dwell on this, as Lily and James had conveniently returned to the common room and he could, to use a muggle phrase, kill two birds with one stone. The werewolf sighed and tucked the parchment; now seemingly blank, back into his pocket. Although he knew Sirius was not going anywhere, he left at a brisk walk. He needed to confront his friend before he lost his nerve. There was nothing worse than a cowardly lion.

* * *

**A/N**: It's a bit on the short side, but I'm sure I'll update soon if I get a suitable amount of promising reviews. Hint hint.


	2. You're Breaking Up The Band, Yoko!

**Disclaimer:** Lalalalala not mine! Neither are my ridiculous references to 60's comedies. Hello, Dr. Strangelove.

**A/N:** Can you believe it? An update already. As you are RS shippers, I'm sure you have not read or attempted to follow my DG fics. But, if you had, you would know this is a magical, ridiculous feat. I think I have discovered where my shipping heart truly lies.

* * *

Sirius spotted Remus and turned to run.

"Padfoot! Get your giant arse back here!"

"S'not giant… voluptuous maybe, but giant? Absolutely not," Sirius couldn't help but take the bait. Vanity was his one true weakness. Okay, one of his many weaknesses, but certainly the easiest to get a reaction out of. "Look, Moony, I'm sorry, I don't know what happened in there, I just-"

"Sirius, calm down. I've done some thinking, and it's not your fault, really," Sirius looked at him bemusedly, "The way I figure, you've had this best mate, practically a brother, attached at your hip for years and years, yeah? Then, suddenly, he's not around as much. He has this lovely girl who, frankly, you cannot compete with as he's been in love with her as long as he's been your pseudo-brother. You're lonely and you're Sirius Black, therefore you have trouble expressing complex emotions, and next thing you know you're kissing your other best mate, who, let's face it, looks a bit girl-ish to begin with, to fill a Prongs-sized hole in your life. Stop apologizing and let's move on with our lives, okay?"

"Cor. Moony, you're a genius. I could kiss you," Sirius cringed. "Too soon for jokes."

Remus nodded in agreement, "Much too soon for jokes."

"You know what this means, don't you?" Sirius asked, his mood brightening.

"You should probably seek help?"

He ignored Remus' not-entirely-joking suggestion. "This is all Lily's fault," and with that, he strode purposely towards the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Sirius, that's not what I meant! Sirius!" Remus chased him into the common room, but he was too late. Once he reached the couch which Lily and James had been occupying, he saw Sirius point at her in what appeared to be mock fury, but there might have been some legitimate anger in there.

"You're breaking up the band, Yoko!" Job completed and outburst over with, he made his way up the stairs.

Lily turned to Remus. "Care to tell me what that," she gestured vaguely around the area Sirius had just been standing, "was about?"

"Not even sort of. Can we talk?"

* * *

"So, Sirius kissed you," Lily said, kicking a pebble into the lake.

"Sirius _kissed_ me."

"Huh. And why, exactly, did he do that?" She asked, looking up at him. There was a look in her eyes that Remus couldn't quite put his finger on. It was unsettling.

"I told you, Lils. He's feeling abandoned by James and-"

"Yes, yes, you said," Lily cut him off. "But the thing is, Remus, despite all of your Freudian logic, you don't seem so convinced."

"What are you talking about?" the boy looked affronted. "Why would I lie?"

Lily sighed, "Not _purposely_. Just to make him feel better. But- oh bugger. This is rather complicated, isn't it?"

Remus grunted in response.

Lily continued, "Okay, let's look at this from a different angle. How did you feel?"

"When?"

"Don't play stupid with me, Remus. You're not very good at it."

"Fine," he mumbled, "I… um… well… I'm not sure? It was very…" a dreamy expression crossed over his face, but he quickly masked it, "It was a kiss; those tend to be nice, right? It was nice. It is perfectly natural and not at all weird for me to have liked it clearly obviously wouldn't you say? Yes quite I know it because I am Remus Lupin and I am logical and there is some logic in what I just said there and-"

"Remus, you're rambling. And _blushing_," as realization fully dawned on her, a grin broke out across her face. Her eyes sparkled in a way that James was known to write sonnets about. It was Lily's I-know-something-interesting-that-you-clearly-don't face. Remus was terrified. "So how long have you been in love with your best friend?"

* * *

Why did she have to do this? It was nearly 6 o'clock. Remus skipped lunch due to his previous excursion at the Astronomy Tower and he was hungry. He did not have the time to go soul searching- he was a growing almost-man-still-more-boy-forever-werewolf and missing dinner was not an option.

"The abridged version will have to do," Remus mumbled aloud to himself. He could soul search later. Right now he just needed to pull himself together enough to enjoy a meal with his friends and lead the slightly normal existence he managed to maintain. Until today of course, when it all fell to shite… but he would ponder that later when he felt he had the appropriate amount of spare time. Or never.

He lit a cigarette and began to pace, not even bothering taking in the beauty of the sunset. It was time to get down to business.

"Point A," he said aloud, ticking off one of his fingers, "You are straight. If you were not straight, you would be a gay werewolf, and no god is that cruel.

Point B: You are sensible. And as Sirius Black is both heterosexual and your best mate, having non-platonic feelings for him would be ridiculous. You are not ridiculous.

Point C: You had that girlfriend once. Chelsea. She was lovely. You liked her. Kissing was nice, heavy petting was nice, and sex was also nice. Stop saying nice. You remember her fondly. She had long black hair and grey eyes and… no she didn't. She had hazel eyes. Stop doing that. There is no one else in the world that fits that original description. Not a soul.

Point D: Love does not just suddenly appear the moment a certain conclusion-jumping, meddling redhead makes a bloody suggestion. You would have _known_ if you _loved_ him. Certainly.

Point E: You do not _love_ Sirius Black. You do _not_ love Sirius Black. You do not love _Sirius Black_.

Point F: Never say heavy petting again. Entirely unrelated, but really? When did you turn into an 80-year-old witch?"

Feeling adequately reassured, Remus made his way down to dinner. He vowed to stop talking to himself. But he'd vowed to quit smoking two years earlier. So there was that.

* * *

"Someone owl the Prophet- Moony is late for something!" Sirius cried dramatically.

_Oh good. Dramatics at the dinner table. Finally, some normalcy_, Remus thought. "I've been late for things," the other boy responded, crossing his arms. Sure, it was a rarity, but the media hardly needed to get involved. James snorted. "Besides, it's just dinner."

Sirius waved it off and returned to his meal. The four Marauders and Lily ate in content silence, Peter occasionally making frighteningly satisfied, nearly bedroom related noises. Lily kept giving Remus Looks. Remus pretended to not notice them.

"Oi! Ginger child over there!" Remus jumped at Sirius' outburst. The "ginger child" in question looked up, terrified. "Pour me a goblet of pumpkin juice and pass it over here, yeah?"

The First Year nodded repeatedly and did as he was told, hands shaking.

"How do you _do_ that?" Peter asked in awe.

"I have a presence," Sirius said, shrugging.

"And a very large mouth," Lily added.

Sirius ignored her remark entirely. He seemed to have mastered the art of selective hearing. "They do adore me so. And they do _anything _I say. I should get a minion of my very own!"

"Oh no," all four moaned. This would not end well.

"Yeah, a minion would be nice," Sirius mused, "But they're so… twitchy. And they're never easy to train, not to mention the constant need to clean up after them."

"You do realize you're talking about a person, not a puppy, right?" James asked.

"Please, a puppy I could handle. You know, I actually think this may be a brilliant idea. After I housetrain it, of course. Prongs, mate, you should get one, too!"

After a stern look from Lily, James replied, "Might have to pass on that one, Padfoot."

"You are no fun at all," Sirius pouted and stood up, stretching his arms above him and revealing a bit of his stomach. Remus shivered and immediately convinced himself that he was just cold. Or perhaps coming down with the flu. Maybe he never shivered at all. Shivering? What's that?

Sirius loped out of the Great Hall without his friends- apparently he was finished eating. The First Year he had shouted at earlier was gone as well.

"You do realize he's going to acquire one anyway," Remus stated blandly, mashing his peas with his fork. He suddenly wasn't very hungry anymore. Peter snorted.

"Bugger," James swore. "Sirius! Come back here you mangy mutt! Bad dog!" He shouted after his best friend, who quickly disappeared behind the closing oak doors. James swore again, standing up abruptly, nearly losing his balance (his grace left him the minute his feet touched ground after he dismounted a broom), and following the taller boy in hot pursuit.

"Should we do something?" Peter squeaked.

"Leave them to it. Remus, care to join me in the Library?" Lily shot him another Look. Evidently she had noticed the shiver that may or may not have happened.

Remus let off a giant yawn. "You know, funnily enough, I'm _exhausted_. I think I really should just go to bed."

"Remus," Lily warned.

"Well, I'm off then! Ta!" And with that, he was gone.

"Did he just say 'ta'?" Peter asked.

"Appears so."

"Oh. That's a bit strange."

Lily simply "hmm"d in response. He'd talk to her when he was ready, she convinced herself. She would not meddle or pry.

Okay, she would definitely meddle _and_ pry (she was not nearly in as much denial as Remus when it came to herself. Although she did word her least attractive personality trait as "curious," instead of "nosy pain in the arse"), but she would wait at least until tomorrow to weasel anything out of him.

* * *

"Moony! Moony!" Sirius shouted, barging into the dormitory, "Look at what I've found!"

Being dragged in tow was the First Year from dinner, looking nervous and twitching about. But, he was clearly proud to be at the service of the great Sirius Black. James, having apparently given up, was following helplessly, gasping for air.

Remus raised an eyebrow sardonically. "I hope you realize you will be the one in charge of feeding it and cleaning up after it. Your minion, your responsibility."

"Moony! I'm wounded! I'm a responsible bloke!" Remus snorted in response. "Really! What makes you think I would ever _imagine_ forcing you to do all of these things for me?" he cried.

"Told you he wouldn't go for it," James said to Sirius in a mock whisper.

Remus couldn't help but smile. "Prongs, I'm going to leave it to you to take care of this…" he waved his arm about, "situation. I'm going to bed."

"It's 8 o'clock on a Saturday night, Moony," James pointed out.

"Yes. Right. Well, I'm tired anyway. It's been a very long Saturday."

"Please, Moony?" Remus hated it when Sirius pouted. He knew this was another fight he was about to lose. "It's my _birthday_ next week. It's not every day your best mate becomes a man."

"You've been a man since Fourth Year with that brunette in Hufflepuff," Remus replied, smirking.

"Ah, yes. Fond memories. But you know what I mean. I, Sirius Black, the youngest and handsomest of all the Marauders, am finally turning 17. We have a party to plan!"

"And a prank!" James added enthusiastically.

"James? Pranking again? Does Lily know? Is she going to hex your bollocks off?" Remus asked.

James grinned. "She's _helping_."

"Okay, I'm up. This is something I have to see."

* * *

They had been at it for what felt like days. It was really more like an hour and a half, but Remus _had_ had a very long day. He was not exaggerating entirely when he tried to kick James and Sirius out of the dormitory earlier- he was bloody tired.

At least the minion was gone. Lily had played the Head Girl card. Ginger Child was more frightened of her than he would ever be of the Marauders. Sirius pouted, but he would forget about it by the next morning.

"It should be red," James said.

"No, we always do red. It should be gold," Sirius argued.

"How about purple?" Peter threw in, which was not even slightly helpful to their predicament.

"Why in Merlin's name should it be _purple_?" Sirius retorted, looking far too angry for someone who was discussing the future colour of the Slytherins' skin-tones.

"I like purple," Peter replied, looking down.

"Well, you're an idiot."

"Sirius," Remus said warningly. His nerves were wearing quite thin.

"_Red_. We should just do it bloody red." James was not giving up.

"Why, so they can all look like they've forgotten sun blocking charms? Good plan, mate. Not at all fucking stupid." Sirius did not appear to be giving up either.

"Oh, you'd rather them _sparkle_?"

"Yes! Nothing is more humiliating and ridiculous than a person who _sparkles_."

James growled. Lily whispered in Remus' ear, "Don't you dare tell him this, but is it horrible that I think that's kind of sexy?"

Remus threw her a Sirius-esque wink and said, blatantly mocking his voice, "You should see me every full moon… um… baby?" Halfway through the statement he gave up on his Sirius imitation. He just could not pull off lewd and crude like the other boy.

"Oh, you've gone and ruined it," Lily sighed, still grinning.

THUMP. Lily and Remus turned back to where the other Marauders had just been arguing. Arguing apparently quickly transpired into physical violence. A table had been knocked over; Sirius had tackled James, who had resorted to pulling his hair. Peter was biting Sirius' ankle without shame.

"They've gone and ruined it, as well."

"The illusion can only last so long," Remus replied somberly. Depending on how heated the battle became, the boys always tried to fight dirty. "Dirty" to them appeared to mean "like teenaged witches" to the rest of the world.

"Men! No fighting in the War Room!" Remus shouted. He and Lily burst into laughter, while the three other boys immediately ceased their antics and looked on in confusion.

"It's a muggle thing," Lily explained, "You wouldn't really understand the reference."

They shrugged and civilly returned to their seats, brushing themselves off. Sirius pulled the table upright once again.

"Lily and I have decided that, as it is Sirius' birthday, he is allowed to choose the colour," Remus said. He used his no-nonsense voice, which didn't always work when he was a prefect, but the Marauders knew it was to be taken seriously. Or they just did it to humor him. Either way, it shut them up.

Sirius pumped his fist. James nodded woefully, but he knew when he was defeated. Lily was pranking and making what he believed to be major decisions- he was willing to compromise. Peter didn't catch on as quickly.

"But that's not fair! And why do you and Lily get to decide?"

"Because Sirius will eat you and I will let him. You can turn something purple later."

Peter nodded woefully as well. He rarely fought the other boys on anything, but he was tired and having trouble picking up on the importance of agreeing. Being threatened with bodily harm helped him on his way to accepting and mourning his defeat in silence. Besides, he knew he wouldn't be able to turn _anything_ a different colour on his own. He needed his more talented allies.

"I would never eat Wormtail," Sirius said.

"Thanks, mate."

"He's far too fatty for my tastes."

Peter threw a quill at him and scowled, but couldn't help but join in the laughter with his friends.

"Remus and I have agreed on something else, as well," Lily announced. The boys looked at her thoughtfully, except for Remus who simply smirked in a way that would make any Slytherin glower with jealousy. They liked to think they held the rights to the smirk (excluding Sirius, which they would begrudgingly admit. He was just too damn good at it), but when Remus smirked his eyes still lit up, as if he were truly smiling. It was adorable- a sight to behold, and certain People Who Shall Not Be Named And Certainly Weren't Of The Male Persuasion And Definitely Not Sitting Across From Said Smirker found it to be incredibly sexy. This person who may or may not exist will never admit this. Probably.

Lily continued, showing her own (far less successful) smirk when she caught said admirer blatantly staring at the original smirker. (No one else at the table noticed this. _Boys are so clueless_, she thought to herself.) "Well, our thoughts were that, as this is _Sirius' 17__th__ birthday_, we need more than simple skin mutations. The colour changing bit will be entertaining and all, I'm sure people will laugh, but it's not exactly original. Pretty tame, really. _Nothing harmful or dangerous_, but we definitely need mind blowing, hilarious, and unexpected. And we should make it affect the whole school." She sighed with faux disappointment, only egging them on, as was her intention. "I really believed you lot were better than this," she said, shaking her head, "and you call yourself _Marauders_."

James stared at her, mouth agape. He broke into a grin and turned to Sirius, whose face mirrored his honorary brother's. Things were about to get _interesting_.

* * *

**A/N:** Oh boy, there is mischief afoot. I'm excited. I am still in the process of working out the kinks in what the prank will actually _be_, but hopefully it will be excellent. Or at least passable. One of you will smile. If you have any requests, you may leave them, but it's not a necessity if you don't feel like it- I'm sure I'll figure something out.

Sirius is right. Sparkling? Really? I'd certainly be embarrassed.

Also, I'd like to give credit to **Dr. Strangelove** for the line about fighting in the War Room. It is a brilliant film, and I think you all should watch it, especially if you're into satirical, ridiculous, pretty dry comedy.

Thanks for stopping by, lovelies. I hope I did not disappoint, particularly because I am rather happy and having way too much fun.


	3. Bugger and Disaster

**Disclaimer:** I own very few things. This includes a stocked refrigerator, a cereal bowl, and everything related to Harry Potter, i.e. the characters in this story.

**A/N:** Aha! Finally, an update! On the cusp of finals and everything. Aren't you all so very lucky. I'm not sure this is as funny as the other ones, but entertaining things happen, and it was a lot of fun to write, so there's that. I'm a terrible judge of my own writing, so I may be entirely off base on the hilarity aspect. Well, I'm sure you'll all let me know.

* * *

Sirius' birthday was on September 27th. A Friday that year, in which he would turn 17. He was younger than all of his classmates by a relatively significant amount, as, technically, he should be in his Sixth Year. Hogwarts did not let children skip years, nor did they accept students early; but the Blacks were not an easy clan to ignore. And Dumbledore, while not one to be bullied, was also a very wise man who knew when to pick his battles. There was a time, a place, and a situation to pick a fight with The Most Noble and Ancient House of Lunacy, and letting in a boy who was nearly the right age and clearly already had enough talent to keep up with _and_ outshine many of his peers was, in the grand scheme of things, really not worth the unnecessary battle. So, with that, Sirius Black was the youngest student to be accepted into Hogwarts in nearly a century.

While this was interesting to the masses of Hogwarts for the first three weeks of school in Sirius's first year, his birthday quickly turned into something else. The 27th of September became a day of fear, only to be rivaled by April Fools Day and James Potter's birthday (which they weren't as worried about this year, as he was Head Boy and dating Lily Evans. They are wrong, but let's allow them to lull themselves into a false sense of security for now). Every year was different and borderline illegal; it also progressively got worse and worse. A few Slytherins had taken to staying in bed and not leaving until it was officially September 28th, but this activity was rendered pointless on the day Sirius turned 15 with The Great Blowing Up Of The Slytherin Common Room. (Really just two chairs, the odd end table, and all of the Fifth Years' bed sheets- but that wasn't nearly as impressive a title.)

This particular September the 28th was no different. But the Slytherins were not the only ones who should be worried.

* * *

5 o'clock in the morning, hushed whispers in the dark, three students who wouldn't even be seen in the light due to the cloak they were all trying to fit under. The early time and need for darkness was just a formality- it simply added to the dramatics of the operation.

"How do we know they'll _all_ drink it?" a voice squeaked.

"That's why we'll put it in everything. Merlin, Wormtail, didn't you listen to Lily?" a deeper voice hissed.

"But what about the taste?" the previous voice asked again.

"I've had that taken care of," a third voice sighed. It was a good thing they let Sirius sleep in- he would have quickly lost his patience with their paranoid friend.

"All right, on the count of three," the second voice said firmly. He was clearly the authority in the group. "One, two-"

* * *

Two minutes until 8 o'clock. Remus glanced at his watch in a way that he believed to be inconspicuous. No such luck.

"Calm down, will you?" Sirius whispered in his ear. Remus jumped 37 meters in the air. Roughly. "That is not calming down."

Remus glanced at his watch again. One minute to. Now Sirius was looking at the watch as well, practically bouncing on his chair with excitement.

Precisely 8 o'clock. What appeared to be 50 dungbombs exploded at once; smoke filling the entire Great Hall. There wasn't the telltale stench of a dungbomb, which would be worrisome and suspicious, except that every single witch and wizard in the Hall was suddenly very, very, _very_ thirsty, and nothing else mattered. Entire pitchers of pumpkin juice were being drained and immediately refilled, as were the teapots, regardless of temperature (cooling charms had been in place, anyway- Lily _did_ say no one was to be hurt). As the smoke cleared, so ended the thirst. Frankly, the people in the Great Hall were less than impressed. A bunch of dungbombs filled with some sort of discomfort gas? No mayhem? No disfigurement? Surely, The Marauders were losing their touch.

Then, something happened; something far worse than the general amount of mayhem or disfigurement. People looked to their left, to their right, down at themselves. There were screams, laughter, shouts of outrage, and a few remained completely silent due to shock.

Every single person in the Great Hall was Sirius Black.

* * *

Sirius Black with pursed lips mid-scold was possibly the sixth strangest thing Remus had ever seen.

"So _no one_ is going to tell me which one of you is Mr. Black?" the Sirius-shaped McGonagall snapped, large arms crossed.

Not a soul so much as opened their mouths. There were very few people in the classroom willing to take the proverbial bullet for the birthday boy, but no one was about to ruin the fun and evoke the wrath of The Marauders. Especially not on September 28th. That would just be suicide, of both the literal and social persuasion.

Professor McGonagall emitted the sort of exasperated sigh that could only sprout from six years of teaching James Potter and Sirius Black. "Fine, then. There will be repercussions when everyone is in their appropriate bodies- Mr. Black, Mr. Potter. Class dismissed."

The classroom shuffled out, mostly silent. "Goodbye, Minnie!" a voice rang out, the owner's hand waving in the air.

"Not so fast Mr. Black!"

* * *

Remus surveyed the scene before him, a tumbler of firewhiskey in his left hand. Between sips he would rock the glass back and forth, knocking the slowly melting ice cubes about.

It had been almost exactly the same as every party he had attended in Gryffindor Tower, regardless of the occasion announced on the poorly drawn banner. Peter was, predictably, passed out in front of the fire. The boy had the alcohol tolerance of a house elf and Remus really did feel sorry for him on such occasions, but that didn't make it any less funny when he woke up the next morning charmed blue, so he decided to leave him there for the time being.

Sirius was missing too many buttons on his white button-up, sleeved pushed up well above his elbows, and had definitely consumed too many drinks. Surrounded by giggling admirers, speaking a bit too loudly, but making them practically ooze with desire and awe regardless. The black haired boy must have felt his friend's eyes on him because he briefly looked away from his slowly growing group of fans to shoot Remus a grin and a wink. Remus rolled his eyes but couldn't help but smile back. There was an oddly pleasant tugging feeling in his stomach and he decided it was a very _very_ good time to pay attention to something else.

His eyes scanned the room until he spotted Lily and James on a chair in one of the darker corners, firmly attached at the mouth. That was possibly the only really different thing about this party. It was the first of their Seventh Year and the first that Lily and James were together. So, instead of getting pissed and harassing Lily, James was very sober (Lily's influence- there were only so many rules she was willing to break as A) the very esteemed Head Girl, and B) just generally being Lily Evans) and very happy to have his redhead in his arms. In public. Where people could see them. And he had a normal shaped nose and everything.

And Remus Lupin, as per usual, was off on his own, making sure no one injured himself or herself. His werewolf metabolism prevented him from getting drunk without a massive consumption of alcohol, which meant he couldn't get thoroughly pissed at these events without drawing attention to himself, which further meant that he was dubbed babysitter. Sure, he would go off and socialize, and he made sure to stay in clear view of everyone so as not to seem too standoffish, but he was a wallflower at heart and that was what he would ultimately remain.

He glanced back over to Sirius, who now had a blonde in his lap and a brunette on his arm and was looking quite pleased with himself. That pleasant tug in his stomach turned into a very unpleasant pain somewhere in his chest and he stood abruptly, placing his empty glass on a nearby table, and making his way over to Peter. He cast a quick _scourgify_ at the sick near the chubby boy's head, deeming it good enough until the house elves got to it, and hoisted him onto his shoulder. Remus trudged up the stairs, not even bothering to take a final glance at the party, which was thankfully dying down a bit.

With Peter squared off and in his own bed, Remus finally relaxed and reveled in the almost-silence of the dormitory. He took a deep, calming breath- it was much cooler up there in comparison to the stifling, packed Common Room. He removed his shoes and socks, followed by his trousers, which were replaced by pajama pants. He unbuttoned then shrugged out of his shirt, shivering a bit in the immediate temperature change.

"Cold?" a voice whispered in his ear.

Remus jumped and spun around quickly. "Padfoot! Never do that again."

Sirius chuckled. "Sorry Moony, didn't mean to surprise you."

"Yes, you did."

"Touché," he replied, grinning. "I'm sorry you had to drag Peter's fat arse here on your own. I would've helped if I had noticed you sooner."

"Occupational hazard," Remus stated mildly, shrugging. He continued, with nearly hidden bitterness, "You seemed rather _busy_, anyway. I wouldn't have expected you to."

Sirius took a step forward. Remus could feel his hot, firewhiskey-tainted breath on his face and let it soak into his skin, despite his surprise again. Maybe he _was_ nearly, almost, sort of drunk. Sirius purred, "Moony… are you _jealous_?"

Remus replied breathlessly, "I have no idea what you're talking about. Simply stating facts. That is a completely ludicrous accus- mmmf."

And Sirius was kissing him again. And it didn't matter that he tasted like alcohol and smelled even worse, Remus felt that warm feeling he'd been ignoring pooling in his stomach and he understood. Sirius gently pushed his tongue into Remus' mouth, who immediately gasped at the new connection. Sirius pulled back, and ran off yet again. Déjà vu. Except this time, Remus could hear him vomiting in the bathroom.

He slowly returned to his bed, drawing the curtains firmly shut, and lying back onto his pillow. There was no doubt in his mind that he was in love with his womanizing best friend- there was no running from it this time, and he'd have to tell Lily because she would help, despite his having to deal with her many I-told-you's. Oh, and Sirius was not likely to remember a damn thing in the morning- and if he did, Remus was fairly certain it would go on ignored and unmentioned.

"Well, bugger," Remus mumbled aloud, "Bugger and disaster."

* * *

**A/N: **Look at who's finally caught on! And we're all just so proud of our boy. Send me your thoughts, applause for Remus' leave of denial, fantasies about Sirius Black in a nearly open button up shirt, etc.


	4. Sirius and the Things That Won't Happen

**Disclaimer**: I mean, come on guys. It's _fan fiction dot net_. Implying that it's fiction. Written by fans. As in, we don't own it?

**A/N**: Updates! It's only been... 3 months? 2 months? Sorry y'all, my life's been really busy. Been meaning to update though, I didn't forget about you! Finished up the chapter in honor of the newest/final film *le sob*. Also, my best friend isn't taking my calls, so hopefully this will grab her attention. BITCH I AM RESORTING TO THIS. WHAT'S YOUR DAMAGE, HEATHER.

Anyway, here are some things.

* * *

Remus was spot-on. Friday evening's incident was blatantly ignored all weekend, and well into the next week. By Wednesday afternoon he was a wreck, his nerves frayed due to trying to sort out what was going on with Sirius, his thoughts on Sirius, and occasionally an exam he had in Potions the next Friday- but mostly Sirius. He decided it was probably about time he talked to Lily, but lunch would have to come first. It was nearly his _special time_, and food was always the first thing on his mind. Well, the second thing- but the first was to be ignored with vigor.

"So, you have heard? Old Binns died this morning," Sirius said casually as he took his seat next to James, stealing a sandwich off of his plate.

"Hey! That was mine!" James protested, spraying a bit of mashed potato in Peter's direction. Peter looked absolutely disgusted (which was rather hypocritical), but made no comment.

Remus head snapped up. "Why hasn't anyone said anything? This is serious news- don't you dare make a pun; I will hurt you," he glared at Sirius, then continued, "There hasn't been so much as an announcement all day. People should be grieving."

"Why?" James replied, "I honestly think we'll be better off without him. I may actually stay awake during a History lesson." Peter reached across the table, smacking the messy-haired boy on the back of the head, muttering something about insensitivity. Remus was nearly glowing with pride.

"Well, you see," Sirius began, smirking, "He hasn't appeared to have noticed yet, and no one wants to upset him."

Remus opened his mouth to ask what the bloody hell he was talking about, but followed the line of Sirius' finger to the head table, where a very transparent Professor Binns was occupying his regular chair.

"Wonder why we didn't notice that at breakfast," Peter mused.

"Well, you're not particularly observant," Sirius pointed out. Peter nodded, not even pretending to be insulted- that was a pretty fair statement. Sirius continued, "And besides, have you ever noticed no one really looks up the there? The beard doesn't bite, gents, and sure, McGooglies might, but not until dinner, at least."

James sighed. "Looks like I'll continue sleeping through History of Magic…"

"Don't expect to copy my notes," Remus said, stealing another sandwich off of Prongs' plate.

"Hey!" he shouted again, "Does no one here follow the code of brotherhood? Letting a man eat in peace?"

"You made that rule up," Peter argued. "Just now, actually."

"Well spotted, Wormtail," Sirius said, not even attempting to tone down the sarcasm.

James snorted, making pumpkin juice come out of his nose, which resulted in him yelping and shouting about a burning sensation. Between his frayed nerves and the unintentional double-entendre, Remus could not help but laugh loudly and uncontrollably. Sirius grinned and looked at him, making direct eye contact for the first time in days. Remus immediately sobered and returned his gaze, the two boys sitting far too still, far too quiet, eyes locked for far too long.

The werewolf immediately jumped out of his seat, mumbled something about the library, and exited the Great Hall with haste.

"What was that all about?" James asked.

"Bugger if I know," Sirius replied, shoving a roll into his mouth. His personality and body language returned to its normal state, but James couldn't help but notice that he wasn't quite looking him in the eye.

* * *

Lily was just making her way towards the Great Hall, far later to lunch than she had hoped. She wasn't too bothered, as she and Remus had a free period next and she would have plenty of time to eat fitting to her schedule after grabbing a tuna fish sandwich… or three. When she saw Remus hurrying down the hall, she had a sudden feeling that maybe she wouldn't be eating lunch after all- late or no.

"Hey Remus, what's going o- oh!"

The boy didn't miss a beat as he grabbed Lily by the arm and dragged her in tow.

"Slow down, you nutter; your legs are longer than mine."

Remus was too wrapped up in his thoughts to pay her any mind, but it didn't matter- he suddenly entered the library and led her to their table in the back, releasing her arm. She opened her mouth, ready to snap at him, but before she could the chance he stuffed half of a tuna fish sandwich in her mouth.

"You know I hate you when you're cranky."

"Oo know I 'ate oo en o're right."

"Fantastic," Remus replied, rolling his eyes. "I understood every word of that- no sarcasm was involved in that statement, and that truly worries me."

She swallowed was a large 'gulp'. "You love it," she said with a wink. "So, what's going on? Why the sprinting through the halls? You know how I hate exercise."

"He kissed me again. And he's making me uncomfortable; and-" he immediately stopped the sentence. He could feel his face heating up.

A grin slowly began to form on Lily's face. "You're going to admit I'm right, aren't you?" she was beaming. Remus blushed even harder. "You are! Remus, this is brilliant. We need to have a lady talk. Oh, this is going to be _fun_!"

"This is _not_ fun. And we certainly are not going to have a 'lady talk;' I'm gay, not a woman."

"Oh Merlin's dirty beard, you've admitted to your sexuality as well? This is a day of celebration! Remus has seen the light!"

"Yes. No. Maybe. Probably. Shut up?"

"Never. So this kiss- as good as the first?"

"Better," he sighed, his head dropping down onto the table with a 'thunk.'

"Then why so morose?" she asked, starting on the second half to her sandwich.

"Have you met Sirius? It's like nothing happened. He's managed to make it more challenging, by not making it challenging at all."

"Color me surprised," she replied, her voice dripping sarcasm with every word.

"And you think I am? I saw this coming, but it doesn't make it any less irritating."

"I know, I know. But it will get better."

"Will it, now? Because I'm fairly certain it won't and I'll be stuck like this forever, and I fully intend on blaming you."

"Of course you do, despite the fact that it isn't, and I will be forced to punch you in the arm. But Sirius will reach a similar epiphany. Eventually. Sometime. I'm sure."

"Thank you, I'm feeling much better," Remus said, raising an eyebrow.

"Just have faith, my beautifully insecure friend."

"Oh good, something I've always excelled in: optimism."

* * *

Later that evening, Sirius was having a similar crisis. But, he was dealing with it in a very different- and far more self-destructive- manner.

He shoved the blonde into a broom closet, gnawing on her neck, hands tangled in her overly shiny hair- it was obviously charmed, and a bit too enthusiastically. She whinnied like a horse; although slightly disgusted, he mentally shrugged- he'd take what he could get, and she _was_ incredibly attractive, even if it was in a trying-too-hard sort of way. Remus never tried at all… but Sirius shook that thought quickly out of his head.

He tried to focus entirely on the task at hand- get lost in the lust. Major articles of clothing were quickly removed, and the two teenagers seemed to be attached at the tongue. The girl reached down into Sirius' boxers and… nothing happened. Despite the valiant effort on both of their parts, nothing continued to happen for another five minutes.

"Are you… okay?" the blonde asked.

"Yeah. I'm just really tired. Quidditch practice, you know," Sirius replied, feigning nonchalance. He pulled up his trousers and began buttoning up his shirt. "I should go. Sorry, Fiona."

"Actually, it's Emily," said Formerly Fiona.

"Really? Not Fiona?"

"No," Faux Fiona replied, shooting Sirius a look that implied he should get out of the closet _very_ quickly.

* * *

"Do you think something's going on with Remus and Sirius?" James asked.

Peter shrugged wordlessly, focused entirely on the stack of Chocolate Frogs he was about to consume.

"Brilliant. Thanks for your contribution to this discussion."

* * *

Things continued to Not Happen to Sirius, but this didn't deter his efforts. He continued bringing around a new girl every couple of nights, sometimes even some repeats. Remus was having some trouble with this.

"Moony? Are you okay?" James asked, with concern etched across his face.

"Yes. Yes, of course. Why do you ask?" Remus snapped, still glaring at the love seat in front of the fireplace.

"Well, it's just, you've gone all sweaty and you look a bit like you've eaten the pumpkin pasta."

"Mmm. Quite. I just remembered I have something to do. Something important that isn't here and is quite possibly very far away and certainly not right here."

"Yes, you mentioned that bit already." James tried to follow his friend's gaze, but it was landing towards the fireplace near Sirius and Blonde Girl Whose Name He Could Not Remember. In a brief moment of self-induced ignorance, James was drawing a blank. He turned his head back towards Remus and said, "What is it exactly you need to do?" But the boy was already gone.

"That was odd," James mused aloud.

* * *

And here he was again: alone on the Astronomy Tower, breathing heavily, clutching a cigarette in his left hand. He thought admitting his feelings to Lily a few days ago would make him feel a _bit _better, but not much had changed. In fact, Sirius' bed hangings becoming the revolving doors for all of the tarts of Hogwarts was dwindling the poor werewolf's last remaining bit of sanity. He could not bring himself to witness another full-frontal attack on his best mate's face from some random witch.

His best mate.

Who he wanted to shag.

He groaned and let his head fall into his hands.

* * *

"Oi, James! Where's Moony?"

James looked up from his examination of his girlfriend's fingers. "Dunno. Went off somewhere."

Sirius stood up, dumping Apparently Not Fiona off of his lap. "I'm going to go find him."

"All right. Have at it. Send my regards," James replied, returning to the wonder and glory of Lily's digits.

* * *

"Why so glum Moonbeam?"

Remus jumped, clutching his chest. "Sirius! What did I say about _doing_ that! And please don't call me Moonbeam, or Moonshine, or Moonykins, or any other ridiculous nickname you choose to throw at me today. We've discussed this."

"Sorry, Moonflower."

Remus rolled his eyes in response. "So, how'd you find me?"

Sirius pulled out the Map and gestured towards it. "Now, the question is, why were you hiding?"

"Not hiding," he replied petulantly.

Sirius raised his eyebrows.

"Okay, hiding a little. There were just too many people in the Common Room," _one too many_, "and it was all a bit stifling. Needed some air."

Sirius nodded and plopped down next to him, wrapping his arm around the other boy's shoulders. He tilted his head, resting it on the top of Remus', and his silky hair fell into the lycanthrope's face. Remus felt his heartbeat quicken.

"I'm sorry we haven't been talking much lately," Sirius said suddenly.

"It's okay."

"No, it isn't."

"It really isn't."

"Can we be normal again?" Sirius looked into Remus' eyes.

"Normal. Right. Of course," Remus heard himself agreeing, and the logical part of his mind agreed that this was the best course of action. But then why was his heart aching?

"Normal," Sirius whispered, slowly tilting his head downward.

Their lips brushed lightly, then Sirius raked his fingers through Remus' hair and deepened the kiss. Remus knew what would happen next, and immediately pulled away.

"Sirius, I have become accustomed to many of your ridiculous habits- I need to fix James' nose, as Lily has turned it into a toad? I'll take a photo and put it in my album. You've been caught snogging a Hufflepuff with shockingly large breasts in a broom cupboard? Allow me to abuse my prefect duties and get you out of trouble. Peter's set his hair on fire? Must be a Wednesday. But kissing me at random and immediately running away, is not something I signed up for! So, no! No! I get to run away this time!" And he did, down the stairs and through the castle at top speed.

Sirius looked down towards his trousers and smirked. "Looks like we're back," he muttered

* * *

**A/N**: And there you have it. New chapter is new. Excitement! Also, Sirius boners! Also, I have problems!


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